Better Late Than Never

 

So here I am working on a blog post I started NINE MONTHS AGO.  What can I say?  Time flies when you’re having fun.  But the last few days were downright springlike, and I CANNOT have another fat summer!  Here’s what I’ve done so far:

• Finally opened the FitBit I got for Christmas.  Last week.  I opened it last week.  I’ve mostly used it to track sleep, which I’ve been getting plenty of!  Sometimes it thinks I’m sleeping when I’m really binge watching Netflix.  Haha!  I fooled you, FitBit!
• Made a second pact with my husband to do P90x together.  I’m sure he will ditch me again for his beloved gym.  It’s okay.  I’ll stay here where I know whose sweat is on the machines.  Ew.  Plus, I was kind of thinking I would try PiYo or 21 Day Fix instead.
• Updated my shocking weight in the MyFitnessPal app.  I find it necessary to track my calories when I give up sugar.  I quickly drop down to about 500 a day without the siren song of sweetness luring me toward the kitchen.  Sugar addiction is real.

On a sort of unrelated note, isn’t it so annoying when you need to make a username, and it’s already taken?  I should definitely be procrastikate or even procrastik8, but someone out there is always falsely assuming MY name.  I mean, it’s blatantly obvious that I am the rightful and deserving user of that name, isn’t it?  No one procrastinates like me!  Wait.  The first to choose the procrastination name, gets it.  IRONY!

Hurts So Good

Woo hoo!  Only 89 more days of P90x to go!  There are a lot of push ups.  I’ve decided not to say, “I’m a girl.  I can’t do all these push ups.”  Instead I’m going to figure out how to do push ups.  Yay me!  Not “girl” push ups.  P90x doesn’t have any “girl” push ups.  Let’s just say there was a lot of planking during the push up portions of the workout.  Planking is good for you, right!?  Okay, some of the planking was face contact with the floor planking, but not that much.  Give me a break!  It was my first day!

And today, I’m a little sore, but good sore, not “I can’t move my arms” sore.  Just enough to feel all those core muscles I worked yesterday, and that was a lot of muscles.  Who knew I had so many?

Hurricane Katrina

I remember back when hurricane Katrina tore through south, and news coverage described it as slow and disorganized.  But, boy, did it do some damage once it got going.  My husband thought he was very funny comparing me to the hurricane which was named after me, and I did have to laugh at the similarity.

No one was laughing when Katrina was through.  So now I guess I’m done messing around.  Vacation’s over, and at least I didn’t gain any more weight.  I’ve picked all my kid’s homeschool curriculum, which is a huge chore, so that’s out of the way.  I read Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, so I’m ready to tidy, and unleash some magic around here.  Speaking of that book…

It’s a little weird, but pretty inspiring.  The author suggests talking to inanimate objects, and I kind of draw the line at having conversations with my cats.  She believes that one should only keep things that spark joy, and everything else should be thanked for it’s service and chucked in a dumpster.  She speaks to things she keeps, as well, like her house, and her handbag.  I’m sure it’s totally normal, and I’m the strange one.  So I see a yard sale in my future, and a lifetime of thankless servitude for my purse.  I mean, if you can ignore the slight undertones of OCD and maybe some other mental illness, you will be motivated to purge and organize!

Monday is the day I plan to start P90x, and I suppose I might start using MyFitnessPal again, too, just because I have a tendency to cut back too far on calories if I don’t keep track.  Once I lose the sugar, eating is a lot less fun.

So until then…

I know what you’re thinking…

Probably.  Because I’m thinking it, too.  How does she think she’s going to lose any weight if she’s not tracking anything?  She hasn’t even weighed herself!  Is she writing down what she eats?  Has she got any kind of workout plan or diet plan? Betty Lu saw her in her back yard eating s’mores last weekend!

Hey!  I only ate two s’mores all weekend, Betty Lu.  I don’t think there’s a real Betty Lu, but if there is, and you saw me, well, I’m sorry we’re not acquainted, Betty Lu.  I like to get to know my neighbors.  And mind your own business.

Recently I saw this Grumpy Cat meme on a sticker in a vending machine at the Dollar Store.  I read it out loud, and now my seven year old keeps singing it.  I’m afraid all of my neighbors now think I’m singing it under my breath as I smile and wave at them from across the street.

So, anyway, yes.  These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind as well, although I can tell my pants are slightly looser.  I know I’m not going to get any real results until I get serious.  So, against my better judgment, I’ve decided to be serious, which I almost NEVER do, and I’m going to be serious about P90x.  Mainly because my husband has agreed to do it, too, and misery loves company.  No, really, I’m sure it will be great fun!  Yay, exercise!  (jaws clenched in wild-eyed smile)  As you know, I’m woefully out of shape.  And I’m an old fashioned girl who would rather be pulling up her leg warmers and pushing play on her VHS copy of Buns of Steel 2000 so I can grapevine my way to a flat stomach, but, oh well.  Times change.

Less Dreaming, More Doing

I mean did Home Depot nail it with that slogan, or what?  So besides losing at least three dress sizes, I want to spend some time on the following:

• “Kondo-ing” my house
• learning to play my guitalele
• finishing a long list of home diy projects
• traveling more

No problem, right?  Let’s see, what should I do tomorrow…Did you know people often overestimate what they can do in a day, but underestimate what they can do in a lifetime?  I can’t remember where I read that, but it is always true about me.

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Now I’m on day three of my health kick, so naturally my body decided to stage a minor revolt yesterday in the form of a major headache.  I pictured tiny picketers stomping around my brain screaming, “WE WANT SUGAR!” and “BRING ON THE CAFFEINE!”  I haven’t cut out caffeine.  Do I look crazy?  Don’t answer that.  But the evil, delicious Coca Cola is sorely missed.  My precious.  Who said that?  And I will drink it again, in spite of this.  Did you enjoy that accent as much as I did?

I still don’t have a starting weight, either.  As I said on Facebook the other day, when I tried to weigh myself on my digital scale, it just said “Lo”.  “Why, thank you Mr. Scale.  You think my weight is low?  Don’t I look pretty today, too?  Oh, your battery is low.”  So I couldn’t get a reading, which I think proves the theory that God only gives you what you can handle.  And of course, the scale takes some weird battery that I keep forgetting to buy every time I enter a retail establishment.  Why can’t every device just use the same type of battery?  Maybe God is behind this, too.  I heard He works in mysterious ways.  That is very mysterious, indeed.

I haven’t committed to a training regimen yet, but that’s the plan.  So far I’ve just done a couple of grueling thirty minute elliptical workouts that felt like walking through quicksand.  I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about this because I think strength training is where it’s at, and the elliptical is kind of a waste of time.  But I guess it was challenging enough, because it was hard, you guys.  It was harder than woodpecker lips.

The Time Is Now

Despite considerable lack of planning on my part, as usual, today is the day I start to make big changes.  Like giving up my beloved Coca Cola.  Sigh.  I’m not going to lie, there was a little of this going on this weekend…

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And I might have walked to a neighbor’s house in flip flops and realized my calves were feeling the burn, and then wondered how on earth I would make it through an actual workout today. So, first order of business, let’s drop a few of these pounds, because then I’ll have so much more energy to reach all my other goals.  Am I right?  Of course I am!  As always, I’m winging it, and have no idea what that workout will be.  I only know that:

• it will not be in a gym, because I am fair skinned, and when I work out, I get a serious case of tomato face.
• it will not be in a gym, because I don’t have anyone to go with me today, and if no one MAKES me go to a gym, I ABSOLUTELY will not go.
• it will only last half an hour or I will probably die.  Baby steps, you guys, baby steps.
• it will not be yoga, because my kid uses me for a jungle gym if I do yoga poses.

I also haven’t planned any sort of diet.  Now, I think commercial diets are completely overrated, and a total scam.  I mostly think weight loss basically comes down to math, calories in minus calories out.  Which is not to say I haven’t read my share of diet books, but I never follow any one diet plan or buy any products to support them.  Plus, every book I read tells me all the other books are wrong.  They have to come up with something original to sell books.

Maybe I’m being overly skeptical, but I’m going to reveal a huge weight loss secret here.  Are you ready?  If you want to lose weight…EAT LESS AND EXERCISE.  I know it’s hard.  If it wasn’t, everyone would be thin.

No, I’m going to stop myself there.  I am definitely overstating it.  I should say that those plans can work, but you don’t need them.  You can do it on your own!  Now, if you have the means, and it makes your life easier, then go for it.  I’m not here to judge anyone!  Yay, positivity!  That’s better.

Now here is what I’m thinking off the top of my head this morning as far as my diet goes:

• steel cut oats for breakfast, because I was going to eat those anyway.  I LOVE steel cut oats.  Why am I fat?  Life is not fair.
• a green drink for lunch.  No, not lime Kool- Aid!  I use this recipe.
• whatever my family has for dinner only in small portions.  Probably chicken tonight.
• cut out white bread and sugar.
• plus a couple of snacks, like fruit and nuts.  I’m not about starving.

Yeah.  That oughta do it.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

The Best Mother’s Day Gift

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day, and my little Sweetsie unknowingly gave me the best gift she possibly could have.  As we were leaving our favorite Mexican Restaurant where we had enjoyed an especially tasty lunch, she snapped a photo of me from behind.  Later, as I was scrolling through the photos on my phone, and smiling at the other shots I’d taken over the weekend, this one popped up.

“GOOD GRIEF!  Is that what I look like!?” my mind screamed, possibly out loud.  And that was the final straw.  Yes, there I am, lumbering away with my Mother’s Day carnation.  In my mind’s eye, I was definitely NOT lumbering.

So now I’m losing it.  Literally and figuratively.  Although maybe, I’d already lost it, because it seems I was delusional for a time, and somehow ignored tens of pounds that were stretching out all of my clothes.  Pictures don’t lie, folks, but my mirror does.  Something kept telling me I didn’t look so bad, but the person in that photo is unrecognizable to me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a completely superficial person.  In the grand scheme of things, I am aware that looks are not on the List of Important Things.  At the same time, I’m not going to pretend I don’t care to look fit and pretty.

So that’s my inspiration.  And I’m not just inspired to lose this weight.  I’m inspired to change my life in all sorts of ways.  How else have I been deluding myself?  How far off is my image of what I am,  or want to be, from what I actually am?  I’m almost afraid to find out.

So, thank you, Sweetsie, for starting the revolution.